“Couples have to liberate masturbation, accept self-pleasuring in each other, show one another how to do it. And if a man can’t handle seeing his lover use a vibrator, my advice to the woman is: keep the vibrator and recycle the man.” Betty Dodson

By the time this couple came to talk to me, they were in a pretty bad sexual rut. They had been married for fifteen years and had two teenage kids.

I met with them separately to take a sex history. It turns out both were masturbating almost daily, at about the same time in the evening without their partner knowing. To top it off, neither wanted the other to know what they were up to because they were too ashamed of their behavior.

My philosophy is not to keep secrets in a relationship. I told them the jig was up. Their next step was to tell each other what had been transpiring for over three years. I also requested not to contact me until they had.

Three months later, I received a call. Apparently, during the first week, every time the subject was brought up, it was immediately dropped. During the second week, every time one brought up the topic, they would end up in a huge fight. Finally, after three months of fighting and with much reluctance, they shared.

Did the sharing help? Certainly much of their sexual angst was an inability to communicate preferences and needs. Their admission opened an untapped avenue in their 15-year relationship. From that point, they were able to reach a new level of intimacy.

I still have yet to figure out why many couples feel masturbation is a taboo topic. Couples who decide to be in an exclusive, long-term relationship open up and share their finances, childhood hurts and future dreams but not their solitary self-pleasuring. It is almost as if many couples hit an intimacy and vulnerability wall.

In my opinion, as long as masturbation is not divisive in the relationship, there is no need to discourage it. Couples need to handle all of their sexual outlets objectively and without value judgment.

With that said, I hear two main themes about why masturbation in a couple’s situation is so secret. First, some people feel masturbation is an infidelity. “Real” sex is equated to couple’s sex and precludes the need for one partner to go off and self-pleasure.

In essence, it is seen as a slap in the face to the other partner. For example, a wife walks in on her husband having a “moment” in the shower. She may have feelings of “what is wrong with me” or “don’t I satisfy you?” As well, a fellow’s manhood may come into question when he feels his partner cannot get all her needs met with him.

The second most frequent thing I hear is that masturbation is a private matter. Absolutely. However, there is a difference between privacy and having a secret masturbation life. Many people do not communicate this private life in order to save their partner’s feelings. Or they simply do not know how to bring the topic up because they feel ashamed or guilty.

Sex therapy books like Lonnie Barbach’s For Each Other and Bernie Zilbergeld’s The New Male Sexuality show the therapeutic benefits of sharing such information. Both authors advocate that the individual is the only one who knows what feels best to them. Because these individuals may feel awkward in expressing their sexual needs, they leave it up to their partner to figure out how to best do it. This is an unfair predicament to place on the partner. In effect, it is saying, “I want you to give me the most satisfaction possible, but I am not going to tell you how to do it.”

When the individual shares how they most like to be pleasured, it is a goldmine of information for their partner. As well, it can guarantee pleasure from the majority of their sexual encounters.

Barbach’s book highlights a survey done by Philip and Lorna Sarrel, sex therapists at Yale University. They concluded, “Among women who have told their partners exactly how they like to be touched, seven out of ten indicated they have orgasms ‘every time’ or ‘almost every time’ they made love. The good communicators had intercourse oftener and were likelier to be satisfied with its frequency.”

So here is my question to you. Have you ever shared your masturbatory habits with your partner? If yes, great. If no, perhaps you need to ask yourself why or what is stopping you.

Trust me, this is one of those exercises that is intellectually easy; actually doing it is a completely different kettle of fish. Just like the couple above, a few fights might ensue. The reason is that society has scripted incredibly negative messages since childhood on how touching ourselves is wrong, bad or immoral.

Yet when you open yourself up to your partner and become more vulnerable, it can open a whole new level of sensuality.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

“It is an irony, appreciated only by the French, that good manners are the basis of very good sex. In bed, the two most erotic words in any language are ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’” Hubert Downs

Bad breath has ruined many a romantic and sexy mood. Yet in the world of sex etiquette, who is responsible to take charge of said breath? Is it the smeller who is making an odor value judgment or the person with the halitosis?

Walking through arrivals at the airport, I was greeted by a full on Hollywood kiss. Being a girl, I was really digging it and knew at once I must savor this moment because it does not happen often. As I heard the curious crowd “oh & ah”, I tried not to let the tears starting to form in my eyes appear so obvious. When the embrace was done and I came up for air, it took everything I had not to gag.

You see, my knight in shining armor’s breath smelled (and tasted for that matter) like he had consumed an entire bulb of garlic at his recent supper.

Being a pragmatic gal, I thought to myself, “If he had been planning such a grand romantic gesture, why was the teensy matter of his breath forgotten?” Even if it had been a spur-of-the-moment inclination, in my world it is common sense to pop a breath mint after said supper before having contact with other human beings.

In the girl form of locker room talk (a.k.a. having coffee), many a gal has recounted how they could not enjoy a romantic evening because her guy’s breath was repulsive. In trying to remedy the situation, they gave what they felt were obvious hints, like offering him a stick of gum, sprig of parsley or whatever breath freshener was available. They then were confounded that he just did not get it. (Please note: I am certain men have their own halitosis date challenges too.)

When I asked why they did not just come out and tell him straight about the offending breath, a look of horror appeared on their faces as they sputtered, “I just couldn’t.”

Biting my tongue and feeling a bit sheepish, I thought of how I would have rather chewed off my arm than confront my garlic-loving prince at the airport. My inner romantic girl voice screamed that, if I told him, he would become discouraged enough never to want to do something I relish.

There are some things in this life that do not make much sense. Telling another human being with whom you are getting up close and personal that they have breath that could peel paint seems to be one of them.

I decided to conduct an informal­ study—okay, so it was mostly friends and relatives that were within earshot while writing this article—on why it is so difficult to tell someone they have bad breath. There was complete consensus on why: nobody wanted to embarrass the other person, thereby breaking the romantic mood.

Let me get this straight. They do not say anything because they do not want to break up a romantic mood that is already completely destroyed. Hmmm. To add insult to injury, as soon as turtle breath is out of earshot, the victim will go on about said bad breath to anyone who will listen to their woeful story. It is like living in a Seinfeld episode.

Coming back to my question of who should take charge of a bad breath situation, there are a couple of things to think about. First, ask yourself if the breath is a one-off event (like the airport scene) or is it chronic? If it is the latter, a trip to the dentist may be in order.

Next, ask if there is a laxness to the personal oral care regime. Think back to the start of a new relationship, when many a person silently crept out of bed at 5:00 a.m. to brush their teeth (or at least swipe toothpaste with their fingers over teeth) so their partner would wake up and experience “toothpaste kisses” first thing.

Today, outside of the work environment, is a second thought ever given to quality of breath? Or is it presumed your partner will love you regardless?

In fact, I have a theory that one of the reasons couples lose the desire to passionately kiss each other after many years together is because they do not make such a fuss over their breath.

Good sex is all about preparation and the little things that make a big difference. If you want to get romantic and think you might have bad breath, simply lick the inside of your wrist and sniff. If you do not like what you smell, immediately do something to alleviate the situation.

If nothing else make sure to keep a pack of Listerine PocketPaks at your bedside table when things start heating up…so they can stay heated up.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

“Yet some people continue to assume that parents are only having sex to reproduce—or alternately, that once you become parents, you forget how to have sex for any other reason!” Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, Sexy Mamas

It was a pretty routine day. Then, mid-morning, my all-time favorite boss received a phone call from his wife. In less than a minute, he was running out the door with a sketchy explanation as to where he was going. Since it was a small office, we all knew that he going home to have sex with his wife.

Taking messages was a bit tricky: “I’m sorry, so-and-so is not available as he is at home copulating with his wife.” When he came back to work, we all wanted to ask, “Well how’d it go?” But, judging by his flushed cheeks, we all knew the answer.

You see, his wife had difficulty ovulating and, after months of tracking, it happened that morning. She was a woman on a mission to have a baby, and heaven help my ex-boss if he had been busy in a meeting. Happily, they had a beautiful baby boy nine months later.

Baby Sex. It has been my experience that women become different people when they are trying to conceive. It is like a robotic chip has been placed in their brains and they become baby-making machines.

“I just love baby sex” a girlfriend confided. When asked why, she went on to explain that she felt liberated not having to worry about contraception. She also mentioned that her libido had gone through the roof and that she and her husband had not had that much sex for a long time.

Always happy to hear people enjoying their sexuality, I still had to caution her. The focus and determination many women have to get pregnant can backfire if they are not successfully pregnant in the first six to eight months.

Essentially, the innate female need to get pregnant—especially for those whose biological clock is screaming “TICK TOCK”—can push sexuality from pleasure making to marathon sport.

I have visions of women behaving like Charlotte from “Sex and the City”. Determined to get pregnant, one episode showed Charlotte having sex with her husband while talking about which guests to invite to their dinner party. Sex had become a means to an end and her husband Trey simply a sperm donor.

When women are in the baby-making zone and conception does not happen in the first three months, their determination can wear down. The disappointment of trying so hard and “failing” can dampen their zealous mood. After six or eight months, disappointment and failure can turn into stressed-out and distraught feelings.

If there is no proper communication between the couple to express how they are feeling, the ability to be sexual with one another can be seriously jeopardized.

So here is the deal on helping to keep your sexuality and sensuality intact while trying to conceive. First and most importantly, relax.

I realize telling a woman who is in baby making sex mode to relax is like telling an angry person to stop being so angry. Yet, staying calm and not taking this stage in your life too seriously will help you, help your partner and ultimately help your relationship. Then, when a baby does come, instead of dealing with an infant and a sex life that has fallen apart, you only have to deal with the newborn.

Please say these words with me: “I am not in control.”

With healthy couples, there are a multitude of things that must occur for conception to take place. If everything is done right, the chances of conception are about 25%. This percentage drops to 15 when the couple is in their late twenties.

Just one factor of this equation is the sperm having to find the egg. After finding the cervical opening, they then have to climb all the way up the uterus to the fallopian tubes. Then sperm must find the egg and, after all that exertion, jab themselves against the wall of the female egg. That is a lot of work for a single-cell sperm.

As you can see, this whole process is out of the couple’s control. Certainly, there are things a couple can do to help conception along, like lie still for half an hour after copulation.

However, I believe the most important thing a couple can do is to keep a healthy attitude and perspective when conception has not taken place for that month. Worrying and fretting are not going to make the sperm and egg come together any quicker. It will stress out the couple, decreasing the chance for conception. It will also make it less desirable to keep trying.

If conception has not taken place after 12 months of unprotected, regular intercourse, it is time to seek guidance from a medical professional.

So relax and enjoy your baby-making sex.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

“Sex drive—a physical craving begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.” Robert Byrne

You need to ask yourself: is it really a matter of you and your partner having different libidos or is “mismatched libidos” a convenient diagnosis to a deeper unresolved relationship issue?

According to Michele Weiner Davis’ book The Sex Starved Marriage, one in every three married couples struggles amid problems associated with mismatched libidos. Obviously this statistic piqued my interest enough to want to write about it. Interestingly enough, while doing my research, a common thread became apparent: most of the time, mismatched libidos have little or nothing to do with sex.

I’ve put together a list of nine typical libido-dampeners. See if you fit into any of these categories.

• Body issues

One person does not like their body and feels uncomfortable having their partner touch them—compelling them to avoid sex. Or on the other hand, one partner no longer finds the other desirable after a weight gain.

• Prolonged unresolved issues or arguments

There is nothing that can throw a big wet blanket over a sizzling sex-drive faster than bottled up anger.

• Power struggles that result in passive-aggressive tendencies

This is a big one. Money and sex can bring out raw feelings of lack of control that translate into unspoken power struggles. When one person feels they do not have any control or power, they show their power in other ways.

For example, the more one lady gave into her husband’s demand for sex, the more intentionally messy she would make and leave their house.

Or, the more one partner “bugged” the other to have sex, the more the other silently shut down, dug in their heels and refused—turning into the classic, “Not tonight honey. I’ve got a headache.”

Or, one partner declared they would be watching for how many times the other initiated sex. (Now there’s a big turn on. Not!)

• Big points of unrest and change like receiving a promotion, having a baby, or moving

It makes sense that change causes disruption to what was once an orderly routine. People then struggle to make new habits around their sexual practices. Unfortunately because the disruption in the bedroom usually is not discussed, the couple is thrown headfirst into disconnecting “mismatched libido” habits.

• Boring sex (a.k.a. being stuck in a rut and not willing to try new things)

The repertoire of sexual tricks a person brings into a new relationship is usually pretty limited. Once that bag of tricks gets used up, the sex is like eating the same meal for supper every night. Doggie-style again? Yawn. Great!?!?!?

• The natural ebb and flow of life

In the wise words of John Grey’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, sometimes men and women go into caves or become rubber bands and just want some time alone. Over time it gets tricky and often discouraging to align two people’s ebbs and flows.

That is why long-term relationships relying solely on libido and spontaneous sex never work.

• Different priorities

The day-to-day stresses of life means the focus and priority is taken off our significant other and put on other things. Then, once every couple of weeks, the pair feebly tries to reconnect with fifteen minutes of rushed sex. Not surprisingly, the sex becomes less and less appealing and the other priorities more and more fulfilling.

• Birth Control Pill

Too many women lose their libido from being on the pill. In fact, a new study conducted found long-term use of the pill can negatively affects a women’s libido for the rest of her life. Scary stuff.

• Health problems like depression, medical issues, or surgery.

While a person is going through something where the body is compromised and/or medication must be taken, sex is understandably not even on that person’s radar.

This list is probably only the tip of the iceberg. The point I am trying to make is that every couple faces hard life issues. Couples who did not receive the Marriage Manual as a wedding gift flounder, feel helpless and naturally want to give their situation a diagnosis.

The libido diagnosis is easy and convenient. Proactively dealing with the hard life issues is difficult. So many couples take the easy route and put their focus on the bedroom dilemmas instead of the real, deeper issues. Yet when a couple deals with the tough situations head on, they form a stronger bond which will translate into more intimacy. More intimacy equals more sex. Libido is no longer the issue.

Perhaps in your relationship, one partner really does have an uber-high libido or absolutely zilch. Chances are, though, that a mismatched libido is no more than a disparity in your relationship that needs to be worked through.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

“People naturally assume because I am a Sex Expert I am always having swinging-off-the-chandeliers-kind-of-sex. They are surprised when they meet me to realize I am a pretty typical gal. Ironically being typical helps to give me a unique perspective on sex.” Dr. Trina E. Read

When people ask me what I do for a living, they are usually shocked by my response. I am a Sex Expert. With raised eyebrows and eyes as big as saucers I can see a cartoon bubble flash over their head exclaiming, “Did she just say sex?” Desperate to compose their features, they inevitably nod their head and respond with, “Interesting…”

Next people ask how I chose a field like sexuality. Well, simply put, I believe it chose me. I am the last person on earth one might consider to be an up-and-coming expert in sexuality—being the consummate uptight-whitey-woman from small town nowhere. How it all came about is still a mystery to me.

Several years ago I was out on a dog walk with a friend. After an in-depth discussion around sex, he looked at me and said, “You should give a workshop on sex.” And I thought, “You’re right.” At that moment everything clicked into place and it seemed such a natural segue from a career in corporate Canada to a career as a Sex Expert. That is about as deep as my epiphany goes.

Yet it was a clumsy liberation into my new occupation. Before I started all of this, I could not say body parts like “vagina” or “penis” out loud without giggling or stumbling over the words. I could never explain what I wanted in bed. And I always struggled with having the-made-to-look-perfect romance novel sex.

Not knowing where to start, my first step was to buy Lou Paget’s How to Be a Great Lover. In her book Paget describes techniques on how to pleasure a man. And I thought, “Well, if I am going to teach this stuff, I might as well learn it myself.”

Too embarrassed to go to a sex shop, I went into my local Safeway and grabbed two cucumbers and a tube of KY lubricant. For half-an-hour I walked up and down the aisles of Safeway convincing myself, “Don’t worry Trina, the check-out clerk won’t figure out you’ll be practicing hand techniques on the cucumbers.”

The hardest part of becoming a Sex Expert was telling my parents. It took me four months to buck up the courage. To break the news I treated them to dinner at a busy restaurant—no chance of yelling or crying fits that way.

As I sat across from my folks I felt like a 12 year old. A cool sweat spotted my brow. When the words, “I’m-gonna-be-a-sex-expert” came out in a garbled, high-pitched squeak, I was looking at my shoes. Worse yet was explaining that I would be writing a newspaper column that all of their family and friends could read. To this day I have a hard time talking to my parents about sex.

People often ask what qualifies me to be a Sex Expert. I have a Doctorate of Human Sexuality from a school in San Francisco. Yes it’s true. There are a few schools in North America that give out graduate level degrees in sex. Can you imagine?

Being a good (a.k.a. naïve) girl from the prairies, I almost did not go back after my first semester. The school’s calendar did not explain how mind bending their “education” would be. For example, during my second week after a strenuous day of class, the instructor decided everyone needed a relaxing massage. Within two minutes everyone in the room (but me) was naked. Funny thing is, being in the room of naked massaging people was not as weird as it may sound.

And then every night my classmates went to things like S & M networking sessions or Bondage how-to workshops. On weekends, I declined invitations to hedonistic parties. To say that I was completely freaked-out by the sexucation is an understatement.

Ironically my friends in Canada considered me provocative; my classmates in San Francisco considered me a prude.
Today, talking with people about their sex is as commonplace for me as speaking about the weather. On airplanes, I counsel businessmen on how to make a woman orgasm. At networking functions women ask about sex toys. At parties, both men and women ask how to find the G-Spot. In grocery line-ups, I speak with expectant moms about estrogen fluctuations that take place before and after baby. People are relieved when I give straightforward answers and do not judge their circumstance.

Finally I want to give credit to my hero, fellow Canadian Sue Johanson who paved the way and made any of this possible. Because of Sue I can pursue my life’s goal which is to keep couples happily together over the long term. It is an exciting and at the same time daunting life agenda. Happily, I believe I am up for the task.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

“The longer they wait, the better they like it.” Marlene Dietrich

During a lifetime, the average human will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend a total of two solid weeks kissing. That’s a whole lot of kissing. Yet, the first kiss we share with that someone special is, in my opinion, the most memorable kiss. Ever!

Kissing someone for the first time is not merely the meeting-up of two sets of lips. Oh no, no, no, no, sir. It is a highly anticipated, electric-charged fusion where thousands of nerve endings of the lips finally get together with another set of eagerly awaiting lips. It is a rare, magical, time-stopping moment.

If you are reading and retching, I would like to point out that I am a girl and live for this kind of emotional fodder. Apparently I am not alone. For hundreds of years, women have read page after page of romance novels just to reach the one pinnacle paragraph where the heroine and hero kiss for the first time. At the climax of every old movie show, when the two love-struck characters finally lock in a passionate embrace, I guarantee every gal watching will have exhaled a longing sigh.

While a mind-blowing kiss is what romance legends are made of, there are too many people who do not have a clue how to give a proper kiss. I know because I kissed at least half of them in my single days. My questionable kissing experiences have included: too much saliva guy, jack-hammer tongue, face-raper, lip and cheek biter, lips tightly pressed together while moving head in wild motions guy, and garlic-breath mouth. Just to name a few—ugh!

Yes these were memorable experiences, yet they pale in comparison to that single amazing first kiss. And when a good kisser is actually hunted down and captured, it becomes bragging rights and coffee room chatter.

All of this first kiss stuff is fine and dandy, but what happens if you have been with someone for a while and the magic of your first kiss is history? Or, thus far, you have yet to experience a really great first kiss? Well, my friends, it is the time of year when mistletoe abounds. The perfect mistletoe kiss is a wonderful and memorable holiday present you can give to your special someone.

But before our kissing lesson, we must have a little mistletoe history. Mistletoe, like the Christmas tree and holly, is an evergreen displayed during the Christmas season and symbolizes the eventual rebirth of vegetation to occur in the spring.

Apparently the custom of kissing under the branch originated with the Druids and other early Europeans. Mistletoe for those folks was sacred because it was associated with folklore and superstition and thought to cure many illnesses.

Closer to our century, mistletoe was hung up in farm houses and kitchens during the holiday season. Wanna-be suitors would have the once-a-year privilege of kissing a girl under the mistletoe and, in turn, plucking a berry from its bush. When all the berries were gone, the kissing privileges ceased.

I have not seen too much mistletoe hanging around for the last twenty years. I suppose with the over-the-top political correctness of our times, people want to avoid any mistletoe nightmares, like the office party urban legend where a gal is inadvertently under the mistletoe when some intoxicated buffoon comes over and makes her face look like a glazed jelly doughnut. Consensual mistletoe kissing is always the name of the game.

What is the perfect mistletoe kiss? First a little preparation is needed to create the romantic scene. Keep the mistletoe discreetly in your pocket, since trying to maneuver your partner to a specific overhead spot will be cumbersome. Remember to do a breath check prior—nothing like going in for a memorable kiss with breath that can melt paint. Finally, the key to any good kiss is not rushing but savoring the moment.

Catch your partner in an unexpected secluded spot—this works especially well when you are at a party. As you look into their eyes, pull out your sprig of mistletoe, put it over their head and give them a little smile. Slowly bring your head to theirs and tenderly rub the tip of your nose along the sides and bridge of their nose.

Then, with your lips just inches from theirs (so you can feel the hot breath on each other’s face), give them a gentle kiss. No tonguing, no extended kiss. Simply a soft… lingering… kiss. The best way to end the embrace is to place a second light kiss on or around their neck area. Pure magic.

It will become a snapshot in time that both of you will remember in the following months and years. Just like your first kiss.